Out of
Print
The World According to
Michi Ancheta
by Jonty Cruz
Photos courtesy of Michi Ancheta.
The veteran producer on her debut novel and writing your way through grief.
It’s a realization that she further explores in her debut novel A World Alone, which tells the story of a young man, Adam, trying to come to grips with his best friend Patrick’s suicide. Michi is quick not to give away any other details though, which makes it a bit hard for her to properly talk about the book, or even herself.
“Michi is one of the best storytellers I know,” says Michi’s friend and writer, Raymond Ang. “She has a natural way with words and an instinctive grasp of narrative. It shouldn’t have surprised anyone that she has a novel (or five) in her. She’s also, somehow, also terrible at promoting herself, which somehow makes you appreciate her work even more.”
When I ask how she might choose to do PR for her novel, Michi says she’d probably send a care package of sorts: a box of tissues, some chocolate, a Spotify playlist, a blanket. “Only because the people who read the book said it made them cry, so I think that would be appropriate?” she says.
Michi is used to being the one asking the questions, and not being on the other end of the conversation. She’s been involved in production in one form or another since she graduated from Ateneo de Manila University—beginning her career as the editorial assistant of Meg Magazine, before moving on to Solar TV, the Filipinas Heritage Library, and working in public relations. Today she secures permits, coordinates with blocktimers and content creators, and oversees operations as Network Programming Director for CNN Philippines. It’s easy to be fooled by how she describes her current role but it belies the fact that she’s an award-winning producer. Her CV can rival the very best—whether or not she cares to admit it.
It’s no surprise at this point that the pandemic has changed so much of how news networks produce their program now but there are some things that still remain a constant for Michi. She still attends the regular two to three meetings a day. “They run a bit longer though, damn you unlimited zoom!,” she jests. “And I’m part of around 14 Viber groups? (Not even joking).” But given all the added stress of working from home she says she’s still thankful that she gets to spend more time with her family now. “Plus I’m almost always in shorts.”
Interestingly enough, it’s when Michi is under more difficult conditions that she finds herself at her most creative. It was only on a vacation to the States after a bad breakup when she started writing fiction earnestly. A few years later, in 2013, she started working on what would become A World Alone—only to shelve the manuscript in 2015, when she couldn’t find an agency that would take her work. Then in 2020, Michi lost her mother to cancer, at which point she figured nothing could hurt more than grief. So she decided to revisit her book and give it another shot.
For Michi, completing A World Alone was more than just an exercise in writing about grief, but an attempt to write through it. Still, by putting words on paper and trying to distance her feelings from herself onto the page, the closer she became to her experiences. The book has become a memento of sorts, both in how grief shapes us and how we shape it.
The following was conducted over Zoom and Facebook Messenger and has been edited for publication.
Out of Print: Let’s start with your path to being a writer. Do you remember the first time someone liked your writing?
Michi Ancheta: Well, I still don’t know if I want to be called a writer. It’s weird, I had this conversation a couple of days ago where we were interviewing someone for a position in CNN Philippines Life. This person was a good fit for the job and she was saying that she was a writer. And I was thinking at the back of my head, “Wow, I never had the confidence to say I’m a writer.” And that says more about me than it does her, alam mo ‘yun? I don’t know if it’s an age thing or something. Baka I feel maraming requirements before you can call yourself a writer? Hindi naman na I thought makapal mukha niya but more like sana I had that confidence to call myself a writer.
I totally get that. So what should I call you?
I like telling stories. That’s what I always say. Nag-start pa siya when I was a kid and I would make up stories to my sister. It’s always been that safe space for me. It really started with my lola because I always liked reading. The first novel I got, I read when I was 10. Kinalkal ko pa siya sa balikbayan box. I took out this novel and my lola was like, “O, gusto mo ‘yan? Sige go.” The book was Cruel Justice. It’s not for kids. [Laughs.] Definitely not the best novel to start off with but from there I thought ang saya to just escape and write stories.
I guess we can fast-forward a bit. What did you major in at college?
I was an English Literature major in Ateneo. My mom during [the orientation seminar] asked, “Ano’ng magiging future ng anak ko as an English Lit major?” And my professor said, “Stories are the way to life. At the end of the day, everybody needs stories. Ano man ‘yung pasukin ng anak mo, as long as she knows how to tell a story, she can make it.”
English Lit is usually considered a pre-law course. Did you ever consider going to law school?
‘Yun ‘yung lagi kong sinasabi na, “Yes, I’m taking it because I’m planning to be a lawyer!” But after four years, I was like, “Meg Magazine! Go! Let’s do this!” [Laughs.]
How did the decision to join Meg come about?
I had no clue where I wanted to go. Meg had an essay writing contest about safe sex. I joined the contest. My sister had a child when she was 20 so I adapted her story for it and talked about all the repercussions or whatever. It won, and the following summer Meg got me as an intern. And then two months after I graduated, they told me there was an opening for the editorial assistant position. I think I was an EA for a year and a half. And then I saw an ad on TV: “Want to be a producer for Solar TV?” So I was like, sige, let’s try this!
What was that like?
Fun naman siya. ‘Yun talaga ‘yung I was like, “Wala akong alam dito.” I applied for the promo producer position. And at that time, in order to make the promos, you had to wait for the tape. And the tapes had to be air shipped, hindi parang now na download lang. It was a fun job but yeah, I would stay up at 1 a.m. waiting for the tapes. I only lasted a few months there. [Laughs.]
Why only a few months? Was it the pay? The hours?
The pay and the hours, and at that time ‘yung office namin nasa bundok ng Antipolo. At that time, I didn’t have a car and I would come home and my parents [would be worried.] At least ‘yung sa magazine job, you had an actual office with an actual aircon. [Laughs.] At one point my parents had to talk to me about what I was putting them through and kung worth it ba talaga. But the real reason I left that job was because I had a new relationship at that time and he worked in Makati. So I wanted to find a job in Makati. [Laughs.] I went to work in the Filipinas Heritage Library and then I went to PR as an accounts executive.
How did you get into accounts? From my short time as an advertising intern, I know accounts is more about clients and management—
Yeah, ‘yung dealing with clients talaga, I was like, okay this is new! But I guess it goes back to telling stories. Baka medyo kapanipaniwala na I can sell to clients, I can liaise, I can create a deck, a message house, or whatever. I lasted there for two years and I feel like that experience really taught me how to branch out, talk to people, and be more organized in a way. So I left when my relationship at that time ended and I was being careless. I dated someone after who was emotionally abusive, and then I told myself I can’t keep doing this anymore and decided to do some soul searching for a while. I went to the States for a vacation, and that’s when I started really writing. That’s when I started writing fiction.
Michi Ancheta: Well, I still don’t know if I want to be called a writer. It’s weird, I had this conversation a couple of days ago where we were interviewing someone for a position in CNN Philippines Life. This person was a good fit for the job and she was saying that she was a writer. And I was thinking at the back of my head, “Wow, I never had the confidence to say I’m a writer.” And that says more about me than it does her, alam mo ‘yun? I don’t know if it’s an age thing or something. Baka I feel maraming requirements before you can call yourself a writer? Hindi naman na I thought makapal mukha niya but more like sana I had that confidence to call myself a writer.
I totally get that. So what should I call you?
I like telling stories. That’s what I always say. Nag-start pa siya when I was a kid and I would make up stories to my sister. It’s always been that safe space for me. It really started with my lola because I always liked reading. The first novel I got, I read when I was 10. Kinalkal ko pa siya sa balikbayan box. I took out this novel and my lola was like, “O, gusto mo ‘yan? Sige go.” The book was Cruel Justice. It’s not for kids. [Laughs.] Definitely not the best novel to start off with but from there I thought ang saya to just escape and write stories.
I guess we can fast-forward a bit. What did you major in at college?
I was an English Literature major in Ateneo. My mom during [the orientation seminar] asked, “Ano’ng magiging future ng anak ko as an English Lit major?” And my professor said, “Stories are the way to life. At the end of the day, everybody needs stories. Ano man ‘yung pasukin ng anak mo, as long as she knows how to tell a story, she can make it.”
English Lit is usually considered a pre-law course. Did you ever consider going to law school?
‘Yun ‘yung lagi kong sinasabi na, “Yes, I’m taking it because I’m planning to be a lawyer!” But after four years, I was like, “Meg Magazine! Go! Let’s do this!” [Laughs.]
How did the decision to join Meg come about?
I had no clue where I wanted to go. Meg had an essay writing contest about safe sex. I joined the contest. My sister had a child when she was 20 so I adapted her story for it and talked about all the repercussions or whatever. It won, and the following summer Meg got me as an intern. And then two months after I graduated, they told me there was an opening for the editorial assistant position. I think I was an EA for a year and a half. And then I saw an ad on TV: “Want to be a producer for Solar TV?” So I was like, sige, let’s try this!
What was that like?
Fun naman siya. ‘Yun talaga ‘yung I was like, “Wala akong alam dito.” I applied for the promo producer position. And at that time, in order to make the promos, you had to wait for the tape. And the tapes had to be air shipped, hindi parang now na download lang. It was a fun job but yeah, I would stay up at 1 a.m. waiting for the tapes. I only lasted a few months there. [Laughs.]
Why only a few months? Was it the pay? The hours?
The pay and the hours, and at that time ‘yung office namin nasa bundok ng Antipolo. At that time, I didn’t have a car and I would come home and my parents [would be worried.] At least ‘yung sa magazine job, you had an actual office with an actual aircon. [Laughs.] At one point my parents had to talk to me about what I was putting them through and kung worth it ba talaga. But the real reason I left that job was because I had a new relationship at that time and he worked in Makati. So I wanted to find a job in Makati. [Laughs.] I went to work in the Filipinas Heritage Library and then I went to PR as an accounts executive.
How did you get into accounts? From my short time as an advertising intern, I know accounts is more about clients and management—
Yeah, ‘yung dealing with clients talaga, I was like, okay this is new! But I guess it goes back to telling stories. Baka medyo kapanipaniwala na I can sell to clients, I can liaise, I can create a deck, a message house, or whatever. I lasted there for two years and I feel like that experience really taught me how to branch out, talk to people, and be more organized in a way. So I left when my relationship at that time ended and I was being careless. I dated someone after who was emotionally abusive, and then I told myself I can’t keep doing this anymore and decided to do some soul searching for a while. I went to the States for a vacation, and that’s when I started really writing. That’s when I started writing fiction.
“It might sound so macabre, but I said, ‘Okay, let’s put it out. Let’s try it. Who cares? Nothing hurts as much as losing your parents, so bring on the rejections and whatever.’”
And now you have a book out.
[Laughs.] When I was telling people that “I had a book out,” people were telling me, “Wow, ang productive ng pandemic year mo!” I wanted to say, “Hindi! I started writing this in 2013. There’s nothing productive about it.” [Laughs.]
But yeah, I started writing it in 2013 and I did send it out then to agencies or whatever. And nakakakilig ‘yung first time you’re asked for a partial or the first 10 pages. And then the rejections came and kept coming. “Oh, this is not for me.” “Maybe if you remove this or that.” So marami nang iterations ‘tong story. Napagdaanan na siya ng maraming-maraming agents. Others just ghost you, though. So I really appreciate those who reply and suggest. I was really trying around that time to get it published. And then 2015, I got a regular job at CNN. I stopped looking at the book which, you know—[working on it] also kills your soul when you get an email like, “Oh, this is not for me.” So I was like, “Okay, let’s focus on my job and producing.”
One of my first jobs for CNN was a show called Good Company. I loved it because I’m not really an adventurous person, so I get to live vicariously through the people I interview. It led back to me working on the book because sometimes you get stories or insights from other people and you think, okay ‘tong isama sa book. But for the most part when I became a producer, I kept it away first. I didn’t think about it. And then last year, I lost my mom to cancer. And that’s when I went back to the book. I don’t know why, but writing has helped me so many times. So I revisited the book, and it might sound so macabre, but I said, “Okay, let’s put it out. Let’s try it. Who cares? Nothing hurts as much as losing your parents, so bring on the rejections and whatever.” Anyway, I’m sorry to unload all of this on you.
No, it’s okay. I mean, when Raymond [Ang] messaged to suggest featuring you, he talked about your work and your book. At the same time, I just started reading Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H Mart, so hearing you share that now takes me back to that book also. And your book does tackle grief as well, but I didn’t know you just came from that too or are perhaps even still grieving the loss. With your book, though, did you start it as a story of grief or about LGBTQ issues?
I think since most of my friends belong in that community, it felt natural that the characters were inspired by them in a way. But it was really just an outlet for what I was going through at that time. ‘Yung joke nga was like, Adele ba ‘to na I can only write when I’m going through a breakup or some kind of loss? The last thing I wanted to do was write something that would offend the LGBTQ community as well as the neurodivergent community. I know at the end of the day that it’s a work of fiction and it’s not meant to educate or whatever. It’s an outlet, and going through the emotions of losing someone, losing yourself, and dealing with all of it.
I guess, going back to the question, I’m curious if you had something in mind already for the story. Like, when you were writing those first lines, did you know where it was all heading towards?
Oh, okay, well this is a writing no-no. When I started I didn’t have any outline in mind. I just wanted to write what I was feeling and I had all these little notes with me and anecdotes from all the people I’ve interviewed, and just figuring out what to make of all of this. It was a slow, slow burn. The story just built itself around my head when I was listening to Lorde’s “A World Alone,” which inspired the title of the book. When I was listening to it, I just imagined all the characters. It wasn’t really leading to anything yet but I’d just think about what the characters would do.
I also have this feeling that I don’t want people to read this. My sister and even Raymond would tell me ang frustrating ko because of that. They wanted me to market it and promote it. I don’t know if you also feel this when you write but even if it’s a work of fiction, every lie still has a kernel of truth in it. So my fear is when people who know me read this, they’ll be able to identify certain things. I don’t want people to see a side of me I don’t normally share.
When you went back to the story and submitted it last year, given the loss of your mom and how your world had changed, did you feel differently towards the book na?
It’s funny because it’s been a long time since I finished it. Now, may mga cringe parts like when I talked about love, parang—shit, ganito ba talaga ako in love then? But the sense of grief is still the same. Amplified lang now because a breakup is not the same as losing a parent. So when I was reading it again, ang sakit. But it helped in a way also because it wasn’t my pain I was reading about. It was my character’s. I don’t know if that’s a coping mechanism. And not to spoil anything but there’s a line that goes, “And next thing you know, you’re motherless.” I wrote that prior to my mom’s passing and now, it just hits me in the gut. If anyone is experiencing loss or grief and they can’t find the words to describe it, maybe this book is something that can help.
When you were talking about submitting the book again to agents after your mom died, it took me back to when I heard my lola had cancer. This was more than a decade ago na but when we found out, it was during finals week in college, and I was like—
Fuck it.
Yeah, exactly. Like, who gives a shit about grades now? But yeah, anyway. [Laughs.] So going back to your book, one of the things I’m curious about is: for something that takes quite a while to do, how did you keep going? How did you create some kind of momentum for yourself in writing the book?
I think when you have a good story going, you won’t stop. I’m not saying it’s good but when you’re, you know—
Kapag invested ka na.
Yeah, or when you ask what happens next. Kasi if it’s not a good story, you’ll forget about it.
The other side of that question is when or how did you know that you had your ending?
Ang sad because I knew that one way or another it was going to end in death. I mean if you read the synopsis, it’s basically about finding out the circumstances of why this person killed himself. I kind of knew the ending na. It was the middle part I was figuring out. It sounds sad but it’s quite an enjoyable read, I’d like to think. [Laughs.]
[Laughs.] When I was telling people that “I had a book out,” people were telling me, “Wow, ang productive ng pandemic year mo!” I wanted to say, “Hindi! I started writing this in 2013. There’s nothing productive about it.” [Laughs.]
But yeah, I started writing it in 2013 and I did send it out then to agencies or whatever. And nakakakilig ‘yung first time you’re asked for a partial or the first 10 pages. And then the rejections came and kept coming. “Oh, this is not for me.” “Maybe if you remove this or that.” So marami nang iterations ‘tong story. Napagdaanan na siya ng maraming-maraming agents. Others just ghost you, though. So I really appreciate those who reply and suggest. I was really trying around that time to get it published. And then 2015, I got a regular job at CNN. I stopped looking at the book which, you know—[working on it] also kills your soul when you get an email like, “Oh, this is not for me.” So I was like, “Okay, let’s focus on my job and producing.”
One of my first jobs for CNN was a show called Good Company. I loved it because I’m not really an adventurous person, so I get to live vicariously through the people I interview. It led back to me working on the book because sometimes you get stories or insights from other people and you think, okay ‘tong isama sa book. But for the most part when I became a producer, I kept it away first. I didn’t think about it. And then last year, I lost my mom to cancer. And that’s when I went back to the book. I don’t know why, but writing has helped me so many times. So I revisited the book, and it might sound so macabre, but I said, “Okay, let’s put it out. Let’s try it. Who cares? Nothing hurts as much as losing your parents, so bring on the rejections and whatever.” Anyway, I’m sorry to unload all of this on you.
No, it’s okay. I mean, when Raymond [Ang] messaged to suggest featuring you, he talked about your work and your book. At the same time, I just started reading Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H Mart, so hearing you share that now takes me back to that book also. And your book does tackle grief as well, but I didn’t know you just came from that too or are perhaps even still grieving the loss. With your book, though, did you start it as a story of grief or about LGBTQ issues?
I think since most of my friends belong in that community, it felt natural that the characters were inspired by them in a way. But it was really just an outlet for what I was going through at that time. ‘Yung joke nga was like, Adele ba ‘to na I can only write when I’m going through a breakup or some kind of loss? The last thing I wanted to do was write something that would offend the LGBTQ community as well as the neurodivergent community. I know at the end of the day that it’s a work of fiction and it’s not meant to educate or whatever. It’s an outlet, and going through the emotions of losing someone, losing yourself, and dealing with all of it.
I guess, going back to the question, I’m curious if you had something in mind already for the story. Like, when you were writing those first lines, did you know where it was all heading towards?
Oh, okay, well this is a writing no-no. When I started I didn’t have any outline in mind. I just wanted to write what I was feeling and I had all these little notes with me and anecdotes from all the people I’ve interviewed, and just figuring out what to make of all of this. It was a slow, slow burn. The story just built itself around my head when I was listening to Lorde’s “A World Alone,” which inspired the title of the book. When I was listening to it, I just imagined all the characters. It wasn’t really leading to anything yet but I’d just think about what the characters would do.
I also have this feeling that I don’t want people to read this. My sister and even Raymond would tell me ang frustrating ko because of that. They wanted me to market it and promote it. I don’t know if you also feel this when you write but even if it’s a work of fiction, every lie still has a kernel of truth in it. So my fear is when people who know me read this, they’ll be able to identify certain things. I don’t want people to see a side of me I don’t normally share.
When you went back to the story and submitted it last year, given the loss of your mom and how your world had changed, did you feel differently towards the book na?
It’s funny because it’s been a long time since I finished it. Now, may mga cringe parts like when I talked about love, parang—shit, ganito ba talaga ako in love then? But the sense of grief is still the same. Amplified lang now because a breakup is not the same as losing a parent. So when I was reading it again, ang sakit. But it helped in a way also because it wasn’t my pain I was reading about. It was my character’s. I don’t know if that’s a coping mechanism. And not to spoil anything but there’s a line that goes, “And next thing you know, you’re motherless.” I wrote that prior to my mom’s passing and now, it just hits me in the gut. If anyone is experiencing loss or grief and they can’t find the words to describe it, maybe this book is something that can help.
When you were talking about submitting the book again to agents after your mom died, it took me back to when I heard my lola had cancer. This was more than a decade ago na but when we found out, it was during finals week in college, and I was like—
Fuck it.
Yeah, exactly. Like, who gives a shit about grades now? But yeah, anyway. [Laughs.] So going back to your book, one of the things I’m curious about is: for something that takes quite a while to do, how did you keep going? How did you create some kind of momentum for yourself in writing the book?
I think when you have a good story going, you won’t stop. I’m not saying it’s good but when you’re, you know—
Kapag invested ka na.
Yeah, or when you ask what happens next. Kasi if it’s not a good story, you’ll forget about it.
The other side of that question is when or how did you know that you had your ending?
Ang sad because I knew that one way or another it was going to end in death. I mean if you read the synopsis, it’s basically about finding out the circumstances of why this person killed himself. I kind of knew the ending na. It was the middle part I was figuring out. It sounds sad but it’s quite an enjoyable read, I’d like to think. [Laughs.]
“The hardest part for me is that you have to be vulnerable when you write. Ramdam ko ‘yung ibang parts na minadali ko because I didn’t want to talk about it.”
Not to get too deep into it, but what was that experience like, to invest so much time in writing about death?
I think you nailed it when you said cathartic. Not to sound weird but I’ve been aware of death for a long time. I remember, when I was 7 or 8, my parents gave me this Sailor Moon console game. I was so grateful, and that night I distinctly remember praying that I’d die before my parents because I can’t fathom a life without them. Isn’t that insane?! But I’ve pushed back the fear of losing people I love my entire life. And when it happened, writing saved me from just, I don’t know, jumping into that abyss. That sounded very dramatic. [Laughs.]
Were there any characters you related to the most?
At first, it was Adam. Adam’s the one with social anxiety disorder. He feels very lucky he’s depressed but he also feels he doesn’t have any right to be. He’s upper middle class so he thinks he doesn’t have any right to be depressed. So I relate to that character in that sense. I’m very anxious. I’ve had periods of depression in the past. But right now, I’m in a very happy place. I know I just said something very tragic [with the loss of my mom] but I’m happy because I have a job that I like and a family that loves me. The mom in the story was inspired by the moms I know and their stories. The mom in the story relishes cooking—and I don’t cook, I’m Miss Takeout—but when I read that, I felt this is actually me. I don’t even know how to explain it.
What was the hardest part for you in writing the book?
The hardest part for me is that you have to be vulnerable when you write. Ramdam ko ‘yung ibang parts na minadali ko because I didn’t want to talk about it. The parts that I do really dive into are the parts I really love reading the most. I mean it’s the same for any book. ‘Yung feeling na, naisip mo rin? Naramdaman mo rin ‘to? I think that’s the most difficult but also the most rewarding.
What were some of those parts you rushed or didn’t want to talk about?
To be honest, I’m still uncomfortable talking about the entire book. [Laughs.] But I think the part I feel least confident about is the connection between Patrick and Adam. I’ve always been insecure about not being the right person to talk about their relationship because I’m straight. But I just love their characters, and if anyone deserves to be together in that “world” (i.e. the world in the book), it’s them. I also didn’t want to talk about Luce’s abuse, I just very subtly alluded to it. Some people picked up on it, some didn’t and that’s fine by me. Luce’s storyline was also based on someone I know, and it’s such a difficult topic to write about. And even imagining their trauma is so hard to put into words. But it needed to be there because it explains a lot about Luce’s deep-seated resentment towards her father.
What did you mean by “having to be vulnerable”? Is it being more open, or not overthinking?
I think it’s just going for it kahit na nahihiya ka na baka basahin ‘to ng dad mo. Even if you’re embarrassed, if it’s truthful, just stick to it.
With that idea of vulnerability and being open, was it ever hard to restrain yourself from writing down everything you wanted to say?
Maraming times when you feel ang dami mong nasulat. And when you look back on it, it’s all shit. [Laughs.] It wasn’t restraining myself, but editing myself after that was very difficult. Kasi in my head I was like, “Ang ganda nito!” and then when I went back to it I maybe only just used two lines. Finding material was hard, too, but editing was the hardest.
I think you nailed it when you said cathartic. Not to sound weird but I’ve been aware of death for a long time. I remember, when I was 7 or 8, my parents gave me this Sailor Moon console game. I was so grateful, and that night I distinctly remember praying that I’d die before my parents because I can’t fathom a life without them. Isn’t that insane?! But I’ve pushed back the fear of losing people I love my entire life. And when it happened, writing saved me from just, I don’t know, jumping into that abyss. That sounded very dramatic. [Laughs.]
Were there any characters you related to the most?
At first, it was Adam. Adam’s the one with social anxiety disorder. He feels very lucky he’s depressed but he also feels he doesn’t have any right to be. He’s upper middle class so he thinks he doesn’t have any right to be depressed. So I relate to that character in that sense. I’m very anxious. I’ve had periods of depression in the past. But right now, I’m in a very happy place. I know I just said something very tragic [with the loss of my mom] but I’m happy because I have a job that I like and a family that loves me. The mom in the story was inspired by the moms I know and their stories. The mom in the story relishes cooking—and I don’t cook, I’m Miss Takeout—but when I read that, I felt this is actually me. I don’t even know how to explain it.
What was the hardest part for you in writing the book?
The hardest part for me is that you have to be vulnerable when you write. Ramdam ko ‘yung ibang parts na minadali ko because I didn’t want to talk about it. The parts that I do really dive into are the parts I really love reading the most. I mean it’s the same for any book. ‘Yung feeling na, naisip mo rin? Naramdaman mo rin ‘to? I think that’s the most difficult but also the most rewarding.
What were some of those parts you rushed or didn’t want to talk about?
To be honest, I’m still uncomfortable talking about the entire book. [Laughs.] But I think the part I feel least confident about is the connection between Patrick and Adam. I’ve always been insecure about not being the right person to talk about their relationship because I’m straight. But I just love their characters, and if anyone deserves to be together in that “world” (i.e. the world in the book), it’s them. I also didn’t want to talk about Luce’s abuse, I just very subtly alluded to it. Some people picked up on it, some didn’t and that’s fine by me. Luce’s storyline was also based on someone I know, and it’s such a difficult topic to write about. And even imagining their trauma is so hard to put into words. But it needed to be there because it explains a lot about Luce’s deep-seated resentment towards her father.
What did you mean by “having to be vulnerable”? Is it being more open, or not overthinking?
I think it’s just going for it kahit na nahihiya ka na baka basahin ‘to ng dad mo. Even if you’re embarrassed, if it’s truthful, just stick to it.
With that idea of vulnerability and being open, was it ever hard to restrain yourself from writing down everything you wanted to say?
Maraming times when you feel ang dami mong nasulat. And when you look back on it, it’s all shit. [Laughs.] It wasn’t restraining myself, but editing myself after that was very difficult. Kasi in my head I was like, “Ang ganda nito!” and then when I went back to it I maybe only just used two lines. Finding material was hard, too, but editing was the hardest.
Michi has been at CNN Philippines since 2015. Even with her role as Network Programming Director, she admits she still experiences some level of imposter syndrome once in a while. There are moments she wishes she “had that confidence to call [herself] a writer.” Photo taken at the CNN Headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia in 2017.
As someone who’s been a storyteller for more than a decade now, how would you describe how storytelling is perceived these days? Like, its pros and cons?
Pro: I’m glad that storytellers feel more empowered. There are so many tools available. The world, to an extent, is your audience and nothing is stopping you from telling your story. But I think that’s also the con. When you feed on likes and comments, or you’re being paid to tell a story, feeling ko you can’t fully gauge whether it’s an effective story or not. Because it seems everything is a bit contrived. In a way, it’s a necessary evil. Even in media, there are times when we ask if we really want to tell this story, but at the same time it’s those stories that pay the bills. So yeah, the pro is that it’s great the people are emboldened but there’s also just too much noise. I feel like if you’re a storyteller trying to make it with the sincerest of intentions, you won’t unless you have millions and millions in following. “Oh, you want to be in publishing? Ilan ba followers mo?” Sad to say that’s already a prerequisite now as opposed to just talent and hard work. Ang hirap na to find kung sino talaga’ng magaling.
I think in so many ways the job description has just changed so much so fast from when we started in publishing. I had a job interview last year for an editor role and I was asked about my experience with SEO. I kind of put my foot in my mouth when I said, “Well, SEO’s basically just writing the same words over and over again, right?” And I think that’s when I knew that I wouldn’t get the job. [Laughs.]
Nakaka-relate ako diyan. I had a job where I had to make listicles. And the job requires you to do SEO also. I had to make sure to include these keywords para top article ‘yung sa ‘yo sa search. So I resigned kasi I got depressed, na sabi ko, “This isn’t writing!” [Laughs.] And my boss talked to me after and he said, “I remember in your interview, you said you wanted to be a writer. Maybe you should rethink that because you couldn’t last in this job.” So ang lungkot, ‘di ba?
Did it feel like you were using a different muscle for the listicles as opposed to how you would normally write? Nahirapan ka ba?
Well, listicles, madali, because you’re not invested. You’re just thinking, how would this be easier to consume? Maglagay tayo ng gif. Maglagay tayo ng popular meme. Maglagay tayo ng catchy word sa title. It’s easier because you’re not invested. If somebody says this list is shit, well, it is shit. [Laughs.]
I’m curious about how you were able to shift your voice between the book and your day job as a broadcast producer. How did you balance those two?
I think I’m lucky in the sense that I get to be around different people, so much so that I can borrow their voices. I think the tools at my disposal are actual people who talk this way. When I was writing the book, I didn’t look at Instagram or social media because, apart from being a distraction, it might influence the way I wrote the book. It’s better to just talk to people, get to know them, or read their experiences.
What would your own voice be apart from the ones of your friends or the people you were inspired by?
I think there’s a difference between what you say or hear in the moment and when you write it. Everything else you have to build from scratch. Like, if I write about what you said, right now that’s the surface level. And everything else I have to put in the writing is based on how I feel. I think that’s where I put my own voice in.
You spent years working on this book, but do you think you were able to say everything you wanted to?
I think it’s done na. It was cathartic to finish it. Meron pa ‘kong masasabi pero ‘wag na lang. Bagong kuwento na lang. ︎
Pro: I’m glad that storytellers feel more empowered. There are so many tools available. The world, to an extent, is your audience and nothing is stopping you from telling your story. But I think that’s also the con. When you feed on likes and comments, or you’re being paid to tell a story, feeling ko you can’t fully gauge whether it’s an effective story or not. Because it seems everything is a bit contrived. In a way, it’s a necessary evil. Even in media, there are times when we ask if we really want to tell this story, but at the same time it’s those stories that pay the bills. So yeah, the pro is that it’s great the people are emboldened but there’s also just too much noise. I feel like if you’re a storyteller trying to make it with the sincerest of intentions, you won’t unless you have millions and millions in following. “Oh, you want to be in publishing? Ilan ba followers mo?” Sad to say that’s already a prerequisite now as opposed to just talent and hard work. Ang hirap na to find kung sino talaga’ng magaling.
I think in so many ways the job description has just changed so much so fast from when we started in publishing. I had a job interview last year for an editor role and I was asked about my experience with SEO. I kind of put my foot in my mouth when I said, “Well, SEO’s basically just writing the same words over and over again, right?” And I think that’s when I knew that I wouldn’t get the job. [Laughs.]
Nakaka-relate ako diyan. I had a job where I had to make listicles. And the job requires you to do SEO also. I had to make sure to include these keywords para top article ‘yung sa ‘yo sa search. So I resigned kasi I got depressed, na sabi ko, “This isn’t writing!” [Laughs.] And my boss talked to me after and he said, “I remember in your interview, you said you wanted to be a writer. Maybe you should rethink that because you couldn’t last in this job.” So ang lungkot, ‘di ba?
Did it feel like you were using a different muscle for the listicles as opposed to how you would normally write? Nahirapan ka ba?
Well, listicles, madali, because you’re not invested. You’re just thinking, how would this be easier to consume? Maglagay tayo ng gif. Maglagay tayo ng popular meme. Maglagay tayo ng catchy word sa title. It’s easier because you’re not invested. If somebody says this list is shit, well, it is shit. [Laughs.]
I’m curious about how you were able to shift your voice between the book and your day job as a broadcast producer. How did you balance those two?
I think I’m lucky in the sense that I get to be around different people, so much so that I can borrow their voices. I think the tools at my disposal are actual people who talk this way. When I was writing the book, I didn’t look at Instagram or social media because, apart from being a distraction, it might influence the way I wrote the book. It’s better to just talk to people, get to know them, or read their experiences.
What would your own voice be apart from the ones of your friends or the people you were inspired by?
I think there’s a difference between what you say or hear in the moment and when you write it. Everything else you have to build from scratch. Like, if I write about what you said, right now that’s the surface level. And everything else I have to put in the writing is based on how I feel. I think that’s where I put my own voice in.
You spent years working on this book, but do you think you were able to say everything you wanted to?
I think it’s done na. It was cathartic to finish it. Meron pa ‘kong masasabi pero ‘wag na lang. Bagong kuwento na lang. ︎
Jonty Cruz is a writer and creative consultant based in Manila.